Heart On My Sleeve (Surrender)

Disclaimer: If you credit yourself for having been a primary person in my life in the past few years, and aren't any longer, well, you probably don't want to read this. If you were on my email list, I cannot find the tab to remove you, so feel free to mark this as SPAM.

Made it past that point? Okay. Here I am, writing with an open heart. It's been a while (read, 8 years) since I've had the courage to be completely honest and raw. Is it a good idea? Who knows. But it's how I'm choosing to live.

Without being hurtful to others or getting into details that are best forgotten, I will share something that I've learned about myself that is begging to be spilled. It's the kind of thing that sits bound up inside the heart until it's told. After it's out there, I can put it to rest. This, by the way, is inspired by a quote I read on my friend Jamie's facebook wall (I've shared it with you, below).

I've spent the past few recent years slowly degrading. Dying, like a plant without water or sunlight, constantly dry, searching for nourishment. Occasionally, I'd get a bit of water and a hint of low light. Not enough to allow me to grow; just enough to sustain me. I always felt trapped by the boundaries that were set up around me, keeping me corralled in the same spot. Don't grow, they warned. Don't change. But change and growth are part of the process of life, and being stagnant is not something I've ever agreed to settle on. For years, I created something in my head that simply wasn't there. I followed the "law of attraction", focusing on what I wanted and thinking that it would magically appear. The thing is, the law of attraction works when you actually make it your reality, look for what you want, be who you want to be, and walk away from everything else.

And so, finally, I walked away.

For months, I focused on what I wanted my life to look like. What I wanted for my business, my family, my friendships. What I learned, to my surprise, was that being alone at home on a Friday night was far more rewarding than being out chasing something that I wasn't sure I even wanted. I got really comfortable being with myself. After a while, though, I started to miss the shared life. Little things, like sharing coffee in the morning, or laying in bed together talking about everything and nothing.

Choosing to take the next step, I've ventured out. While I am not exactly sure where I am going, I know that what I am ready for is something real, something honest. It should be simple, and it should be nice. It shouldn't feel like work.

I will not play the role I've played in the past. I will not live with unmet needs. The game serves no purpose in my life. I know my worth. While I am not perfect, I am many good things. I am honest, and caring. My heart is big. I take risks, laugh loudly, and am willing to walk to the top of the mountain and jump. I will no longer let my past define me. And I will never let anyone steal my sparkle.

This is what was posted by Jamie R. Allen:

Very little grows on jagged rock.
Be ground.
Be crumbled.
So wildflowers will come up where you are.
You've been stony for too many years.
Try something different.
Surrender.