Thursday, May 30, 2013

Privacy, Please

I've always been an open book. I'd tell anyone who asked what was going on in my life, even the personal stuff, if they cared to know. I always thought that it was just being honest, authentic. Why not spill stuff about my childhood, my finances, my romantic interludes?

As I've gotten older, I've found myself having deeper feelings that I like to keep to myself. Some of the sweetest moments in my life are the ones that I want to keep for myself. Why share the beauty of private, intimate moments that were really only intended for me?

I've started lifting the drawbridge and keeping the important stuff on my side of the moat.

Some of the things I choose to keep private are feelings, others are emotions. And then there are observations, thoughts, actions that grow bigger and more special when they are kept protected. Truth be told, it's hard to hush up about moments that are so amazing I'd like to share them with the world. It's hard to be bubbling with excitement and keep that to myself. Doing so, however, elevates those special, joyful moments to a new level, and keeps them protected.

Clearly, there is something to be said for keeping things private. I've learned this firsthand, and while sometimes people have a hard time accepting this change in me, it's a good one and I'm glad I've implemented it.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Create Your Life

It's this time of year that I reevaluate my life.  I think about what is working, what isn't, and how I want my life to look. It's not as simple as thoughts like health, success, or happiness. It's far more detailed.

What does it mean to be healthy? Happy? Successful? What do I want to see when I look in the mirror? How do I want my parenting model to look? What do I want my intimate relationship to be like?

I sit with catalogs and see what resonates with me, what feels most like the type of person I am. I think about qualities that I'd like to have in my mate (found, fulfilled), and what kind of partner I'd like to be to him. Envisioning a moment is usually enough to show me what I'm looking for, whether I have it, and what, if anything, I'd like to change.

The act of deciding what you want for your life is important. We only (technically) get one shot at this, so why do it blindly? Be pointed in what you want for your life, and make sure you follow through by striving towards it until it is attained.

I've recently done this, and I am happy to say that everything in my life is good. All of the people in my life match what I've always wanted. Friends, family, and the man in my life... all amazing. I'm at a very happy place.

But I've got to straighten some things out with myself. Having spent years dressing for others, behaving a certain way, even worrying about how I appear, it's time that I do what works for me. I've started, but still, there's more. Thankfully, I have support. I have a strong, loving acceptance present in my life that gives me the freedom to rediscover who I am and what I want for myself. With that, all things are possible.

I'm ready to bloom.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Lose Yourself

“Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.
'I don't know,' Alice answered.
'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.” 

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Sorting out one's life is never easy. As a child, my plan was to marry Bobby O'Neil, have a bucket full of kids, a white picket fence, and all the happiness that goes with it (rather, that is supposed to go with it). But you know what they say about the best laid plans. And happiness? Well, it's not something uniform. Happiness doesn't necessarily hang with us, even when we've dotted our i's and crossed our t's.

But that doesn't mean it's not attainable.

Sometimes the only way to have what we want in life is to get lost for a while. Getting lost is rarely intentional, yet the results are usually beneficial. We learn lessons. We don't have a GPS to navigate through life, so we search for clues of what's familiar, following tracks made by others, walking on cleared trails.

Alas, settling into the footsteps of others or walking a path matted by somebody else's boots serves no purpose. Yet we believe that if we successfully do what someone else does, our results will be the same. While that may be true for cookie cutter tasks, like hammering a nail into a wall, it doesn't serve us in the search for that which makes us whole. We need to sit, breathe, and have faith. 

I haven't been able to do it. I've been running in circles, doing what I think is right for me, only to discover that I keep getting lost. Alone, I am never lost. But the moment that I try to connect with someone else, boom. I'm down the rabbit hole.

Moving forward, I am going to try and do my own navigating. I am going move in the direction of what feels like happiness. Keep posted.