The Best of You

Life isn't about the finish line, it's about the path you take to get there.

After posting my last blog entry, Keep the Good Ones, Ditch the Rest, I got a slew of messages and comments about the topic. The comments ranged from "I completely agree," to "Lighten up". All of the responses were great because they helped me see the perspective of others, but none changed the way that I feel.

Honoring our lives means many things. It means getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, feeling love, having friendships and just enjoying life. It also means, at least to me, minimizing drama as much as possible. I am not filming for a Housewife series, which means I am not getting paid to up ratings by including myself in circles with unhealthy people. On more than one occasion, I've had to make something up and excuse myself from a lunch/dinner/situation where I felt the direction had taken a turn for the worse. I am fast becoming a self-preservationist.

Last week, my close friend asked me to take a seven week TRX group training session with her, at our gym. It was the last thing that I wanted to do (my past TRX experience had been awful), but I agreed to do it because it gives me the opportunity to see her while getting a workout. We've talked while walking beside each other on the treadmill, or while curling dumbbells, but in those situations, the intensity of my work is self-directed (meaning, it's easier to do less). Group training includes a forced push by the trainer, and peer accountability. Today, the group training began. I had a morning packed with things to do, including sending out emails to everyone participating in a fundraiser with which I am involved. One hour before the group training began, my friend sent me a text that read "One hour! Woot woot!" Though I hadn't yet paid, and technically could have backed out, I committed to my friend and told the trainer I'd be there. It was up to me to stay true to my word, even though at that moment it was tough. As I chugged my coffee and scooped back my oatmeal, I thought to myself, "This TRX idea was stupid," and also "I need to get more sleep."

I arrived at the gym, and saw my friend's happy smile when she'd seen that I made it to class. I talked to the trainer about past TRX experience and injuries, and we began. An hour on the clock. It wasn't easy. We warmed up with more squats than I thought humanly possible. I wondered if I'd be sore for yoga tomorrow. I wondered what my husband was doing in the weight room. I wondered if I should drink more water. And then the wondering stop. The work became more difficult, and each accomplished task gave me a feeling of pride. I focused on my body, my muscles, and felt good about the work. This TRX class, as it turns out, was a really good idea.

I got back into yoga in much the same way. My friend Tray had been going for about a year, each week inviting me to join her. While I have always loved yoga, I hadn't practiced for a while and felt uncomfortable getting back on the mat, fat and out of shape. In a moment of weakness - or perhaps strength - I agreed to go, and there it was. I couldn't back out. A year and 30 lbs. lighter, I am fully committed to my twice weekly practice.

Me with my friend Tray, after practicing yoga on the lake together, the morning of my wedding.

It's amazing what happens when you find something that changes the way that you feel, whether it be about your day, your life, or most importantly, yourself. Not only did I get to spend an hour with my friend and work out with her (which is motivating because she is a powerhouse), I also learned that getting back to hard working exercise made me feel good about me.

And that's what yesterday's post was all about. It wasn't about other people being bad or failing me, it was about choosing to create a life that supports me at my best, so that I feel good about myself.


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Keep the Good Ones, Ditch the Rest

My friend KT is a straight shooter. She has said, on more than one occasion, that she has no tolerance for bullsh*t. In fact, each year on her birthday, she mentally sorts through the people who are considered to be friends in her life, and decides who among them truly are good friends. If they are toxic or drama filled, she boots them from her life. It's not a majorly obvious action... no facebook unfriending, no calls made to say, "You're out!" Instead, she gently edges away from them and moves forward with her life.

Now, let me begin by saying that I believe in lifelong friendships. These are the friendships that allow you to be yourself, the ones that allow for a 2 a.m. call when something goes wrong. They require both parties to be active participants and for both people to care about one another. I have a few of these friendships, and I treasure them.

A true friend, C, has always been there for me. Without fail.

Devoting my time to real friendships is an idea worth developing; it requires both commitment and time. Having time means eliminating the faux friends who are not much more than placeholders (time wasters). I've joked that I'd like to copy KT, and begin the trim down. Sometimes, I've even toyed with the idea of letting go. But I never really followed through. I got hooked into keeping toxic people in my life. Either I'd keep the friendship alive out of guilt, or I'd do it, selfishly, out of need. My life has been packed with superficial friendships made of people that showed up for the drama (perhaps to watch the train wreck that was once my life), or people who wanted to kill a few hours with a willing participant. But now, with a fully packed life, I've come to the realization that I don't want to spend my time stoking fires of old acquaintances that I believed were true connections.

It's heartbreaking, for sure, putting away the idea of a friendship that I thought existed, tough remembering moments that felt real with people that seemed to be friends for life, only to discover that they never were. But it's a crucial step to live a fulfilling, joyful life.

The idea of ending a friendship, with the same permanence one might having after leaving a lover or a bad job, is a tough one. Deciding to follow through takes guts. About a week ago, I posted something about this idea on my facebook page. The response was amazing, and I realized that I wasn't alone. This touchy topic of friendship breakups is long overdue.

Just tonight, I read a blog post from health coach Mary Ellen Zung, who is sending me her posts as part of a ten day sugar cleanse.* Friendships seem unrelated to a sugar cleanse, you'd think. However, she writes that "many people crave sweets when they are lacking supportive relationships"  and that "healthy relationships [among other things] will satisfy our real hunger for life." It makes sense, and it's given me that final push required to make big changes in my personal life.

I am making conscious choices to keep friends that have proven to be real, who have my back, and who like me for who I am. I will put my time and effort into nurturing and growing those friendships and, the extra time (time that I might have used to call a faux friend for coffee) will now be spent nurturing my life, caring for my family, or putting up my feet and cracking open a book. Hey, it might even be used to go for ice cream with a true blue buddy.

I am curious (hopeful, excited) to know how you feel about eliminating acquaintances, those who zap you of energy or don't consider your feelings, from your life? Are you up to the challenge? If not, why not? Please comment below. You can totally comment anonymously. See the photo below for what to look for (just click the option, Anonymous).

*While I know and believe that sugar is a real craving, and is physically addictive, I have no plans of completely eliminating it from my life. I will, though, work toward eating it mindfully and in moderation. 

Beware the Vine

I made the choice early on to live in a quiet neck of woods in a small Morris County town, where we have lakes, grassy hills, and tons of trees. In fact, homeowners cannot cut down trees without applying for a permit with the town first, and getting approval. There is a steep fine for not abiding by this rule, and our Shade Tree Commission goes to great lengths to enforce it. We take our trees very seriously.

As I've gotten older, I find myself being more and more grateful for the gifts nature provides, looking to the trees for solace (as opposed to searching out a group of people that I could chat with to kill time). Last week, while waiting for my son's first cross country meet to begin, I soaked in the rolling hills and beautiful large trees that surrounded the race area. While walking, I was tempted to reach out and run my fingers through the thin branches of hanging leaves, until I noticed the three leaf pattern: matching sized side leaves with one larger big leaf between them (forward facing). This is the classic poison ivy leaf pattern.

The hanging leaves, even the thin branches at the center of this tree, are poison ivy leaves on vines. There were so many that, had you not paid attention, you'd have thought they were the tree's benign leaves. Looking at the upper leaves off the main branches of the tree, you'd have seen the tree is a maple tree.

I looked closer to try and understand how much of the tree was taken by the poison ivy. Shockingly, most of the trees had climbing poison ivy ropes, with leaves at eye level. It is a public park, and the poison ivy is part of the landscape, for better or worse. Still, I wondered how many people might have walked through these branches, unaware that they were poison ivy; how many might have found themselves with the rash and wondered where it came from. Perhaps, passing this info to you will prevent you from grabbing a poison ivy leaf. A neighbor once taught me the following precaution, "Leaves of three, let them be." If you keep that in mind, you'll be in good shape.

Look at the leaves of three (beginning at the left of this photo, midway up, in focus). That's poison ivy.

While I am not a trained gardener, living here has made me quite familiar with the stuff. People think that poison ivy leaves are supposed to be shiny, or green, or red, or smooth. Well, it's all true, at different stages. The one thing that is always true is the size pattern (to note: there is a strange weed that has a similar pattern but has thorns, which poison ivy does not).

Seasonally, the leaves change color. They get bigger, too. Bigger than a human hand. So don't confuse the size with safety. While dogs and cats can rub up against the poison ivy and won't get a rash, the urushiol (the oil that causes the rash) can rub off onto furniture or you! causing you to get the rash without being exposed to the vine.

Be mindful of the vine. It contains urushiol, as well. The vines get hairy (think, Thing, from the Munsters). You can get poison ivy from the hairy vine, even if it's been trimmed from the tree and is dead. 

The vine attached to this tree - the thick, hairy one - is a poison ivy vine. If you look near to the vine, you will see the small leaves of three. There are also other weed leaves, and the trees leaves, so the poison ivy is somewhat masked.

I know more than one story of people who burned logs and branches, unaware that they were burning poison ivy. In one story, one of the people inhaled it and had a reaction in their lungs, requiring hospitalization. In another, the smoke caused a huge rash on my friend's face, also requiring hospitalization, intravenous steroids, and more.

You can easily make yourself aware of what poison ivy looks like in all seasons, and it's vines, and prevent yourself from getting a rash. If you bump your wheelbarrow (shovel, ax) into it, there's a solid chance that the urushiol oil is on the wheelbarrow and must be properly cleaned. I am obsessed with this vicious little vine, and while walking with my kids, my husband, anyone really haha! I point it out.

Take note, be aware, and then go enjoy nature.

There Is A Season - Turn, Turn, Turn

Ten years ago, and it feels like yesterday.

It's official. I'm old.

Old is a relative term, so I owe it to you to qualify that. To some, a 45 year old is a spring chicken. To others, a peer. But as I watch my son walk through the front doors of his high school, or down a busy NYC street with friends, away from me,  I wonder where the time has gone. The child who used to look up to me, now towers over me by more than a handful of inches. His voice, a deep man's voice, is a far cry from the little one that used to ask, "Mama?" It goes in the blink of an eye. I didn't believe it when people told me, as I held my babe in arms crying for more milk, that time would pass faster as he got older. I couldn't fathom having a baby out of diapers, let alone a young man in high school. Alas, here we are.

I couldn't be happier seeing my child make the leap toward independence. We were joined at the hip, and there were times when I thought I'd be going to college with him. He's healthy, thank God, and is now choosing to pull away from me. He spends times with friends, goes to art classes in the city, and daydreams about his life in Los Angeles (the one he assures me is just a few years ahead). I ask "Do you miss me sometimes?" He shrugs, "Not really, Mom." I ask, "Will you miss me when you are living all those miles away?" He replies, "I don't think so, Mom. Nah."

This is good. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely bittersweet knowing he doesn't need me anymore. It's also freeing, knowing that my son is ready to lead his own life. I don't have to worry that he will be upset at the thought of taking the next step, and I don't have to feel guilty having joyful times that might not include him. He is confident and self-assured. He wants to have his own life, to grow up and go out into the world. It's good news, and it's good for him.

But for me, well, I'm already missing my baby.

Given all this, along with the fact that I remarried in June and now have three more kids to love (my husband's), I've had to rethink my life. When I look back at these years, what will I remember? Exercising that practice now, I remember traditions, big moments, and valued time with people I loved. But I also remember crying a lot over things that didn't matter. I remember running in circles, planning events that meant nothing to me, the details of which are mostly forgotten. I notice all the things I wasted time on and wish I'd done it differently. Hindsight is always filled with clarity, isn't it? If only I knew then what I know now. Of all those past things -- wasted time, energy, money and love -- I wish I focused more on my son and less on those who didn't matter. I can't turn the clock back, but I can change what's happening now.

My friend Kim P. recently told me that if she could do things all over again, she'd take her kids out of school for fun day trips and spend more time with them. This resonated with me. I can't pull my high schooler out for fun adventures, but I can soak in every moment that I do have with him.

And it's because of this that I've decided to end my candle making career and close my business. I will still make them for the local yoga studio (because those small, fabulous batches feed my soul), and maybe a few dozen candles at the holidays, if my heart sees fit. But for these next few years, I'll be hanging onto every minute I have with our kids, grabbing onto the fact that I am fortunate enough to stay home and be with them. In fact, I'm white knuckling it.

I'll be writing about my experience of going back to being a stay-at-home mom, sharing recipes, frustrations and more. Please keep posted xox

The Most Beautiful Spaces To...

My everyday life is important to me. I do my best to spend time in places that feed my soul. Where I shop, eat, workout, all of it, is very important to me. I choose places that make me feel like I am on vacation, even though I'm home.

Here are a few of my favorites:

...get a massage or facial
The Urban Muse Day Spa

Imagine walking into a room, dimly lit with candles, soothing music floating through the air. The space is warm, the walls dark wood, everything is incredibly peaceful and beautiful. This is the feeling in the treatment rooms at the Urban Muse.

When you walk in, you walk through an insanely eclectic and large shop. Selections feature everything from body products to jewelry, to cards and gifts; even home goods from Fish's Eddy. It's a cool shop with creative and well-crafted gifts. The spa treatments simply take it to a new level. I honestly cannot imagine going anywhere else for a massage or facial. I saw some great deals on group on, asked around about the services (and got good feedback) but, ultimately, I didn't buy them. The Muse has spoiled me.

There is a gorgeous relaxation room for before and after treatment, a place to sit and get your zen on. It's quiet, dark and inviting. There are healthy snacks out for the taking, water infused with lemons and cucumbers, assortments of tea. They even offer beautiful, warm bathrooms with beauty products for your use, and a gloriously large shower for guests to use before or after (or both) that seems like it should be in someones luxury home. When you undress, you are given the supremely plush robes to wear. Everything is spotless and top notch.

One of the many sculptures in the relaxation room at the Urban Muse.

Treatment rooms are similar. Candle lit, with quiet music playing, and some sort of diffuser that makes the room smell noticeably present without being overwhelming. Each clinician/therapist that I have experienced is professional and does wonderful work. I always leave wanting just a few. more. minutes.


...get your hair done
The Lounge Hair Studio

This longstanding, top of the line hair studio is breathtaking. The front wall of the studio is lined with long windows, allowing tons of natural light to come into the studio, and since it's located on the second floor, no one is peeking in the windows. As with the Urban Muse, the furnishings are gorgeous and dark, with rough brick walls. The waiting area has a to die for leather chaise, amongst other chairs, and the receptionist comes with an offer of coffee, tea, and water.

All of the stylists are on trend, and my most recent visit with a Level 1 stylist (via a groupon) was incredible. She paid attention to what I wanted to do with my hair and listened to what I needed, while guiding me with options for what I may think about doing in the future. You must visit. Call, ask for Gabby, and tell her I sent you. The experience, from beginning to end, is totally pampering. I highly suggest you do this for yourself. It may cost a little more that the factory style salons, but it's worth the money... you will not be disappointed.


...find your zen
Prana Yoga Center

My God, this place. I have to tell you, if I didn't do yoga, I might start just so that I could spend time in the space. The space is warm and beautiful, all dark wood floors, and beautiful Ganesha and interesting art and sculptures decorate the space. Walking in the door, you feel a strong sense of welcoming and well-being. There is a waterfall wall in the shop area, where they sell yoga mats, clothing, candles, skin care, MantraBand bracelets, and other wonderful things.

The studio is a large space that is sectioned off into two rooms (which is often opened to accommodate larger classes). They have many types of yoga classes, all being wonderful (my favorite being Christy Linson's Vinyasa Flow class), and I always leave feeling blessed. I've been to other studios to practice, but nothing even comes close to this studio space.


...dine out
Rails Steakhouse

This long awaited, heavily hyped restaurant does not disappoint.

Years in the making, Rail Steakhouse at Towaco Crossing is the best thing that's happened to Montville in a very, very long time (and Montville, truth be told, is a pretty awesome place on a bad day). The space is huge, and incredible to look at. Everything is made from beautiful, earthy elements. There are walls made of carved wood with loose logs sitting inside them. There's an enormous, two story thick log of wood through the center that must have been the trunk of a tree, and the main wall is made of gorgeous stone with open spots that have candles inside them. In addition, built into the wall, on both the first and second floor, are fireplaces. You can sit on leather couches by the fire, have a drink (or even dinner) and enjoy the warmth of the fireplace. The fireside wall has a high ceiling, so you are able to see up to the second fireplace, and part of the upstairs bar. Everything is eye candy.

A small, fantastic wall at Rails Steakhouse. The logs you see are loose. 

Seating is everywhere, and always taken. The buzz about Rails is so positive that you cannot get a reservation Thursday - Saturday until the end of March (so make your reservations now!) but the good news is that you can sit at the bar or on one of the many leather seats, and eat your meal. By the way, the bars are great (there are three floors, and each floor has a bar and a dining room). The lower bar has an exposed brick oven, where pizzas are made. There isn't a bad seat in the house.

There are many more places that I'd like to write about, but these are the most luxurious of them all. I have a short list of places that I like to visit, and these are on top. Give them a shot and, when you visit, tell them the Domestic Goddess sent you.

Mexican Egg White(ish) Muffin

I love nothing more than an egg white omelet. Egg whites are like a blank slate for the ingredients that go inside.

After seeing a recipe for egg muffins, shared by my friend and blogger (at The Jersey Momma) Debbie Zelasny, I decided to make some. Not being fond of the flavor of the yolk, I searched for some egg white recipes and found a few. Nearly all of them required at least a few yolks, and since I am not sure why (perhaps it has something to do with the ability to hold the muffin's shape), I decided to use a few in my recipe, as well.

Mostly every recipe allows for any type of vegetable you desire (some people cooked theirs first, others didn't), so I felt confident that I could take my favorite omelet and make it into a muffin.

Mexican Egg White(ish) muffin. 30 minutes from start to finish.

This recipe is as easy as making breakfast, provided that you have a muffin tin and some really good non-stick spray. Mine calls for cheese, three types of veggies, one type of herb, and eggs. I found that putting some of the cheese on the bottom of the muffin spots will create a solid floor for them, and then topping the veggies with the remaining cheese keeps the top from having veggies pop out. Also, be sure to dry out your vegetables, after rinsing them, with a paper towel. You do not want added moisture in your muffins.

Cheese on bottom, veggies, pour egg mixture over, then more cheese on top. Notice how much non-stick spray I put on the muffin tins. They popped out with ease. 

You must spray your tin very well with non-stick spray so that the muffins lift out easily. Do not skimp on spray.

When you fill these up, fill them to the top, and carefully move them to the oven (middle rack). Cooking times varied, but mine took about 25 minutes. When they are ready, they will almost look like popovers.

This is how they look when they are just about ready to come out of the oven. I let mine brown for a few more minutes, to get a nice golden color.

After I made these, I ate one, then put them on a plate, uncovered, in the freezer, for about 35 minutes (prevents sticking to one another). I then put them in a freezer zip lock and stored them in the freezer. When I want to eat one, I can just pop it in the microwave to warm it up.

Mexican Egg White(ish) Muffin
59 calories per muffin

12 eggs (whites only -- I cooked the yolks to give my dogs)
3 whole eggs
3/4 c Sargento Reduced Fat Four Cheese Mexican
1 small heirloom tomato
1 small green pepper
1/2 small white onion
handful of fresh cilantro
2 T 1% low fat organic milk (milk makes the muffins fluffy)

Preheat oven to 350*. Spray muffin tin with non-stick spray. Set aside.

Dice pepper, tomato, and onion. Tear cilantro into small pieces.

Beat the eggs and egg whites together, along with the milk. Divide cheese in half.

Take one half of the cheese and distribute evenly into the 12 muffin spots in your tin. Scoop equal parts of the vegetables and cilantro and put over the cheese (should be about 2/3 full (not packed, but loose)), then pour the egg mixture over the top. Sprinkle remaining cheese across tops of the muffins.

Bake for 20 - 30 minutes, until top is puffed up and golden. Let sit for a few minutes, then hand lift the muffins out of the tin. They are somewhat delicate, so using a utensil may damage them. If you sprayed the tins enough, they should release easily.

You vs. Food (Be A Winner)

Our society seems to constantly be battling with food. We do detoxes, cleanses, eat meal replacements, take supplements, eat fake foods that pretend to be healthy but are anything but whole. We ban certain foods and force ourselves to choke back others.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and last night, upon seeing an Instagram post by my friend, it really struck me that food is a big issue for many. My friend's post showed a plate filled with the following: spinach and tomatoes, cooked in oil and garlic, then tossed with feta; grilled cauliflower; and tofu. A comment below the photo asked "How can you possibly get full on that?"

I know how the commenter felt. I, too, once believed that I couldn't be satisfied without a plate full of something that seemed substantial, like steak or a plate of pasta. While the reality is that cauliflower on it's own will make you feel full, forgetting all the other fibrous (filling) veggies, it's more about what we are accustomed to seeing on our plate and how we register what we think is a full plate.

When we diet and we make food the enemy, it makes sense that eating clean would feel like an uphill battle. Saying no to something that doesn't make your body feel good (but your mind wants) feels like deprivation. But it should feel supportive. If your goal is to have more energy all day long, saying no to a caffeinated beverage seems contraindicated, when in truth, removing the caffeine and eating energy producing foods like oatmeal and bananas will provide energy naturally.

Changing the way you eat to be healthier and help your body perform in a more optimal manner is a good thing to do, but not by making those foods that do nothing more than satisfy the taste buds, bad. Sometimes a processed food full of sugar and artificial dyes is just the thing you desire, and there's nothing wrong with eating that (once in a while).

A friend of mine just embarked on a popular shake supplement to lose weight (because, she said, "it works"). You drink a shake for breakfast and lunch and have a "sensible" dinner. Well, maybe it works because you are calorie deprived, or maybe for other reasons of which I'm not aware, but it's a temporary fix. Eventually, the weight you lose in crash diets comes rolling back on. Diets don't work. For my friend, it's simply to kick start her healthy eating plan, but personally, I couldn't do it.

It's preferable to eat whole foods that nurture our bodies and provide nutrients to keep us strong and healthy. Our bodies are machines, and the better the stuff we put in, the better they will operate.

Tonight, as I made a modified copy of my friend's Instagram post (spinach, tomatoes, feta), I felt blessed to be able to eat such a tasty meal. My appetizer was a single serving of cottage cheese. Not because it will help me lose weight, but because it tastes good.

My favorite pizza slice. A grandma slice topped with spinach, peppers and sun-dried tomatoes from Roma Pizza.

And today's lunch? A slice of pizza topped with vegetables, followed by a small scoop of ice cream. No foods are off limits. I try to avoid processed sugar because, if nothing else, sugar feeds cancer. Still, a little scoop of ice cream on occasion isn't the worst thing.