Privacy, Please

I've always been an open book. I'd tell anyone who asked what was going on in my life, even the personal stuff, if they cared to know. I always thought that it was just being honest, authentic. Why not spill stuff about my childhood, my finances, my romantic interludes?

As I've gotten older, I've found myself having deeper feelings that I like to keep to myself. Some of the sweetest moments in my life are the ones that I want to keep for myself. Why share the beauty of private, intimate moments that were really only intended for me?

I've started lifting the drawbridge and keeping the important stuff on my side of the moat.

Some of the things I choose to keep private are feelings, others are emotions. And then there are observations, thoughts, actions that grow bigger and more special when they are kept protected. Truth be told, it's hard to hush up about moments that are so amazing I'd like to share them with the world. It's hard to be bubbling with excitement and keep that to myself. Doing so, however, elevates those special, joyful moments to a new level, and keeps them protected.


Clearly, there is something to be said for keeping things private. I've learned this firsthand, and while sometimes people have a hard time accepting this change in me, it's a good one and I'm glad I've implemented it.

Create Your Life

It's this time of year that I reevaluate my life.  I think about what is working, what isn't, and how I want my life to look. It's not as simple as thoughts like health, success, or happiness. It's far more detailed.

What does it mean to be healthy? Happy? Successful? What do I want to see when I look in the mirror? How do I want my parenting model to look? What do I want my intimate relationship to be like?

I sit with catalogs and see what resonates with me, what feels most like the type of person I am. I think about qualities that I'd like to have in my mate (found, fulfilled), and what kind of partner I'd like to be to him. Envisioning a moment is usually enough to show me what I'm looking for, whether I have it, and what, if anything, I'd like to change.

The act of deciding what you want for your life is important. We only (technically) get one shot at this, so why do it blindly? Be pointed in what you want for your life, and make sure you follow through by striving towards it until it is attained.

I've recently done this, and I am happy to say that everything in my life is good. All of the people in my life match what I've always wanted. Friends, family, and the man in my life... all amazing. I'm at a very happy place.

But I've got to straighten some things out with myself. Having spent years dressing for others, behaving a certain way, even worrying about how I appear, it's time that I do what works for me. I've started, but still, there's more. Thankfully, I have support. I have a strong, loving acceptance present in my life that gives me the freedom to rediscover who I am and what I want for myself. With that, all things are possible.

I'm ready to bloom.

Lose Yourself

“Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.
'I don't know,' Alice answered.
'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.” 

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Sorting out one's life is never easy. As a child, my plan was to marry Bobby O'Neil, have a bucket full of kids, a white picket fence, and all the happiness that goes with it (rather, that is supposed to go with it). But you know what they say about the best laid plans. And happiness? Well, it's not something uniform. Happiness doesn't necessarily hang with us, even when we've dotted our i's and crossed our t's.

But that doesn't mean it's not attainable.

Sometimes the only way to have what we want in life is to get lost for a while. Getting lost is rarely intentional, yet the results are usually beneficial. We learn lessons. We don't have a GPS to navigate through life, so we search for clues of what's familiar, following tracks made by others, walking on cleared trails.

Alas, settling into the footsteps of others or walking a path matted by somebody else's boots serves no purpose. Yet we believe that if we successfully do what someone else does, our results will be the same. While that may be true for cookie cutter tasks, like hammering a nail into a wall, it doesn't serve us in the search for that which makes us whole. We need to sit, breathe, and have faith. 

I haven't been able to do it. I've been running in circles, doing what I think is right for me, only to discover that I keep getting lost. Alone, I am never lost. But the moment that I try to connect with someone else, boom. I'm down the rabbit hole.

Moving forward, I am going to try and do my own navigating. I am going move in the direction of what feels like happiness. Keep posted.

Heart On My Sleeve (Surrender)

Disclaimer: If you credit yourself for having been a primary person in my life in the past few years, and aren't any longer, well, you probably don't want to read this. If you were on my email list, I cannot find the tab to remove you, so feel free to mark this as SPAM.

Made it past that point? Okay. Here I am, writing with an open heart. It's been a while (read, 8 years) since I've had the courage to be completely honest and raw. Is it a good idea? Who knows. But it's how I'm choosing to live.

Without being hurtful to others or getting into details that are best forgotten, I will share something that I've learned about myself that is begging to be spilled. It's the kind of thing that sits bound up inside the heart until it's told. After it's out there, I can put it to rest. This, by the way, is inspired by a quote I read on my friend Jamie's facebook wall (I've shared it with you, below).

I've spent the past few recent years slowly degrading. Dying, like a plant without water or sunlight, constantly dry, searching for nourishment. Occasionally, I'd get a bit of water and a hint of low light. Not enough to allow me to grow; just enough to sustain me. I always felt trapped by the boundaries that were set up around me, keeping me corralled in the same spot. Don't grow, they warned. Don't change. But change and growth are part of the process of life, and being stagnant is not something I've ever agreed to settle on. For years, I created something in my head that simply wasn't there. I followed the "law of attraction", focusing on what I wanted and thinking that it would magically appear. The thing is, the law of attraction works when you actually make it your reality, look for what you want, be who you want to be, and walk away from everything else.

And so, finally, I walked away.

For months, I focused on what I wanted my life to look like. What I wanted for my business, my family, my friendships. What I learned, to my surprise, was that being alone at home on a Friday night was far more rewarding than being out chasing something that I wasn't sure I even wanted. I got really comfortable being with myself. After a while, though, I started to miss the shared life. Little things, like sharing coffee in the morning, or laying in bed together talking about everything and nothing.

Choosing to take the next step, I've ventured out. While I am not exactly sure where I am going, I know that what I am ready for is something real, something honest. It should be simple, and it should be nice. It shouldn't feel like work.

I will not play the role I've played in the past. I will not live with unmet needs. The game serves no purpose in my life. I know my worth. While I am not perfect, I am many good things. I am honest, and caring. My heart is big. I take risks, laugh loudly, and am willing to walk to the top of the mountain and jump. I will no longer let my past define me. And I will never let anyone steal my sparkle.

This is what was posted by Jamie R. Allen:

Very little grows on jagged rock.
Be ground.
Be crumbled.
So wildflowers will come up where you are.
You've been stony for too many years.
Try something different.
Surrender.

Anxiety, and Danielle Jonas

After watching "Married to Jonas" on E! tonight, I was moved to write this post. If you haven't seen the most recent episode, while in Italy, Danielle Jonas shares that she has major anxiety, misses being home (though she is with her entire family), and has even resorted to going (back) on medication to deal with it. She responds and speaks honestly about how she feels.  See a teaser for this episode here.

Danielle, thank you for sharing your experience.

Those close to me know that I have major anxiety. I've had both anxiety and panic attacks. I've even gone so far, in years past, to have driven myself to the ER while in the midst of an attack. Anytime I hear anyone share their personal experience with anxiety, it helps me to feel better about my own experiences. Sometimes they aren't obviously anxiety attacks, and the physical symptoms can present as another issue. Racing heart, dizziness, sweating, nausea. And for Danielle Jonas to share what she is experiences, by way of a reality show, is truly commendable. She's definitely helping lots of people who feel what she does, but may be too ashamed to share their experience or wonder if it's even normal.

Danielle Jonas, on tonight's episode.

Anxiety can be frightening and isolating. I know the feeling of wanting to be home, even when everyone you love is with you. Every single time I travel, I get this feeling. Sometimes it's a momentary feeling, other times it comes and goes throughout the trip. When we used to drive to Rhode Island, I'd start to panic the minute we crossed the Tappan Zee Bridge. I cannot explain why. I wanted to go away. I was happy. But the anxiety takes over. Last summer, while in an unfamiliar hotel in Providence, I was feeling unsure and unsafe. My travel companion was parking the car, and my son vacationing in California. (My son being on another coast, that alone, had me completely unnerved.) The feeling started to overwhelm me. I felt uneasy and untethered. My heart was racing; the floor felt unsteady. At that moment, I saw a family (a girl who was checking out the place for her wedding, along with her sister and her parents) and I knew that talking to them might distract me enough to prevent a full blown panic attack. That is how desperate it becomes. You search for anyone that seems concrete, just so that you have a place to anchor, and a point of distraction.

While I am not able to help people with anxiety (I am not a therapist), I am here to say that it happens to the best of us, it's not as uncommon as you think, and you can get help. And to Danielle Jonas, once again, thank you for your bravery. We love you, exactly as you are.

Fabulous Female Profile: Cindy Blanco of Saplings

I remember when I found Cindy on the Internet. I was looking for cool, independently owned stores in the area and saw a page for her shop, Saplings. On it was a video of Cindy giving a tour of her store. She has the greatest stuff. When I first visited last year at this time, she had huge sock monkeys, cool felt peace sign ornaments, fun vintage candy and all sorts of fabulous kids furniture, bedding and decor. But her shop isn't just for kids, although it is the focus. I love her extras, home decor, books, doggie items, frames, and she carries Domestic Goddess candles! I want to live in her shop. Her energy was similar to mine and I could tell that not only is she good at what she does, but she loves doing it. Go meet her at Saplings. You will love her, too. Tell her the Domestic Goddess sent ya!

name: Cindy Blanco

company name: Saplings est. 2003

favorite quote: "Just get it done."

what i do:  Create amazing rooms for kids and teens that do not look like something from a catalog! Got started 27 years ago in visual merchandising for every major specialty retailer.

i sell: In my shop, located at 74 Church Street in Montclair, NJ

contact: Cindy Blanco 973-337-6652. Visit the Saplings Montclair facebook page, or the website www.saplingsusa.com.

A section of Cindy's fabulous shop, Saplings, on Church Street in Montclair (taken from her facebook page). Don't you just want to sit and enjoy an afternoon snack at this table?

Limoncello & Arancello -- the recipes!

After posting photos of my new liquor lounge line (out in December), one of the comments under my Limoncello candle was in regards to a recipe for the drink. The woman who commented happens to make an amazing Limoncello. I asked her for the recipe, and she kindly allowed me to share it with all of you here on the blog, along with a couple of other similarly fabulous cocktails.

A big thank you to the beautiful, talented Dawn Jones Migliore for sharing with us! 

Dawn Jones Migliore knows how to make a Limoncello!

Limoncello & Arancello
A divine creation from the Amalfi Coast In Italy

It is made with 95% pure grain alcohol, lemons, and simple syrup. That is it! The same is true for Arancello. the beauty of this Italian original recipe is it only takes 8 days to make and is an authentic recipe tweaked from recipes I have gathered through the years as well as secrets from an Italian male friend whom I cannot mention who shared his secrets that have perfected my recipe.

Sorrento lemons are best, but since we're in Jersey, we will have to settle for good old Florida oranges and lemons (or you can use blood oranges when in season). When you sip Limoncello, it should be smooth with a little kick in the middle. You should never pour over ice, but drink chilled. Italians would cringe if you did it and they knew. Italians never use vodka; it is always made with Everclear. Yup, you heard me. Grain alcohol, the stuff that we were told in college would make us go blind. But it's crucial since during the fermenting process the sugar and lemons marry to a very lemony silky finish, leaving you with a jolt when sipped. Also, during the fermentation, it weakens the strength of the alcohol.


Authentic Italian Limoncello

Prep time 20 minutes
Fermenting 8 days

Ingredients:

• 1 liter (1000 ml) Everclear alcohol
• 10 medium to large lemons*
• 1 1/2 liters water (6 1/3 cups)
• 3 pounds granulated sugar (6 1/2 cups)

* Choose thick-skinned lemons because they are easier to zest. The lemons must be yellow and not tinted with green.

Preparation:
Wash the lemons with a vegetable brush and hot water to remove any chemicals or pesticides. Pat the lemons dry. Using a potato peeler, take all the lemon rinds off of the lemons so there is no white pith on the peel. Place the rind-peelings in a large container with the Everclear alcohol. Cover the container and let it sit for seven days. You can also use a lemon zester; I find that brings the flavor out more if you zest, but it takes a lot more time.

On day 8, strain the peels from the alcohol and discard them.

In a large saucepan, make a simple syrup by combining the water and sugar; let it simmer fast for 15 minutes. Let simple syrup cool to room temperature. Add to alcohol.

It is now completed and ready to drink!

NOTE: This same recipe works for Arancello. Use 10 large oranges or blood oranges.

Makes about 2 1/2 liters.