A Personal Moment

I usually don't get too personal on my blog. Though it may seem that I do, mostly, I keep things very much on the surface. But tonight, I feel a pit in my stomach, and want someone to just listen. There's no one in my life that can do that right now, without either wanting to help, direct, fight, or guide me, so maybe writing it to you (even if only one of you read it) will help.

I can't sleep until I get this out. I am sad, and sorry.

I just returned from a five day trip to Florida with my parents and my son. The trip was amazing. It was beautiful everywhere, and I slept very well.

View from my room

For the first time in months, I slept through the night, every night, without a hot flash. Maybe it was that I walked for hours on end and that I was so exhausted that I didn't notice the hot flashes, or maybe it was just that I was finally away from all this rain. Regardless, I am committing to work out every day that I have time, because if it helps at all, it will be a relief.

I woke up this morning, to get ready to go to the airport, and my ear (I have tinnitus) was ringing so loudly, that being in a quiet room was enough to make me cry. It's still ringing; it's just endless. The airplane ride was good though, because there is so much white noise that it drowns out the ringing. When I got off the plane, I felt sad that I had left the sunlight and warmth, returning to cold weather, bills, and a home that's under construction (I am excited for the end product, but coming home to a house without a roof is a bit off putting, though the progress is amazing). And it is quiet, so the ringing is amazingly loud. It comes and goes, and I am just praying that I wake up with less noise. It's unbearable.

With this, I was so excited to see Ward (I couldn't wait to see him all week, and give him a big hug), but the ringing in my ears was incredibly distracting. As we were driving home in the car, I talked but kept getting distracted by the sound. I try not to complain as often as I notice it, because it gets old to hear. And there were other things, too, that just threw me off. I wish I could do it all over. A big, happy hug, talking enthusiastically about my trip, without any damn ear ringing.

After he left, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I missed Ward the minute he left. Not just missed him, but missed him like he was torn from me. It was horrible. One hour was all that I had with him, after being away for five days. I still miss him. Tomorrow, my son will be back at school, and after spending 24 hours a day with him for the past five days, I will miss spending time with him.  I know that I am more sensitive with all the hormonal changes, and that might be part of it. But it still feels so real. I am missing my loved ones, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

Everything is in transition. The seasons, the balance of family, the kids' schedules. I feel like I lost my footing today, and getting that back cannot be accomplished until I right things that need to be righted (hopefully tomorrow), and until my ear stops ringing so loudly. I crave consistency, and a schedule. I crave my nights making dinner and watching Seinfeld; movie nights with the kids; breakfast at the diner. I know that change happens, but I tend not to like it.

On top of all that, there is residual stuff that has lingered in my mind. I've put up boundaries with people because I've learned that my openness and friendly attitude can sometimes be misconstrued. Sometimes, I get these odd people who latch onto me, while other times I find that men misread my kindness as an invitation to act creepy. Mostly, they've been respected, which makes me feel stronger and safer. Last week, though, someone came to clean out my house and totally disrespected me. I wasn't tough enough, or prepared, and he found ways to pass by me and touch me, place his hand on my lower back, and later grope me and dive to kiss my neck. I was shocked and should have confronted him, but knew that confronting him would have just increased his time in my house and I wanted him out. Needless to say, he won't be working in my house anymore, but my inability to protect myself really stuck with me.

And then tonight, a neighbor who came to me a few months ago to try and tell me what to do to my house (regarding construction, who isn't even in the business (and it was none of her business)) and who, last week, barged into my house to ask me something (without knocking or ringing the bell), sent me an email congratulating me on my construction and telling me that she thinks it will look good. If she reads this, she will probably come and try to talk to me, though I hope she sees this as a request to leave me alone. I used to be very neighborly until most of my neighbors stung me in some way or another (with one exception, my neighbors right next door, whom I love). It's gotten so bad that I literally put a sign on my door that says, "On a conference call. Please do not disturb" just so that people know that my open door (which allows a lot of sunlight in) is not an actual, "Come on in, open door."

I hope you don't see this as a request to you all, to not be friendly, because that's not what I want. Meeting people and talking to them makes me really happy. (Like at Dash of Thyme when I met Stephanie & Lynn, that was so lovely.) It's when people cross boundaries, get nosy, or feel entitled to have me, that it becomes a problem.

So that's it. Hopefully, I will wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow, the ringing will lessen, and I will get and give that giant hug that I really want from my boyfriend. Thank you all for listening. And if you feel like commenting, on the blog or privately, I'd really appreciate it.