Waiting for Godot

I am sitting here shaking. I am waiting for test results that were promised to be in last night. After five weeks of ear related issues, including vertigo, tinnitus, and partial hearing loss, I was sent for an MRI of my brain to R/O (rule out) an acoustic neuroma.

A tumor.

There are a couple of other reasons I may have these hearing issues. No, I am not congested and allergies have been ruled out. I have no ear infection, no wax in my ears. My inner ear has been damaged. I did not hit my head, stand near loud noise, or anything.

But I do have hypothyroidism (treated) that may have changed, requiring stronger medication, which could cause tinnitus. I was also on a steroid for my eye, in drop form, called Lotemax. Though my symptoms aren't listed as a side effect, I have read stories from many people who had this problem from Lotemax. My symptoms started while I was using this steroid. (Thanks to my brother for putting the two together and suggesting I look into it.)

The waiting is rough. My boyfriend has been very supportive, telling me to take it a step at a time and not get ahead of myself, to just breathe through it. I'm trying, but it's a challenge.

My old high school friend, John, called me last night. I'd told his wife what was going on, and John had a brain tumor removed about 6 years ago. His first words to me, "It's okay. You're going to be just fine. Whatever the results are, you are going to be okay."

I am writing as I wait to take my mind off everything. I can't leave the house and start hanging the mayor's art show yet, because I need to know what's going on. But I can address thank you notes from my son's Halloween party, and I can write this blog. I can't review it before I post it, can't think that straight right now, so please excuse any typos, misspelled words, and sentences that might not make sense.

Why isn't the doctor calling me back?

I called at 9 a.m., as they suggested, and got the medical assistant's voicemail. I know that they are busy and it's just routine for them, but for me, it's the world. Maybe I will try calling again in a few minutes.

God, I wish there were a way to predict the future, to know what's going to happen. Or maybe that would just make things worse. I'm going to publish this now, then try some deep breathing. Please say a little prayer for me.